Receiving the news that a son or daughter is homosexual can be one of those key moments in family life. For many parents in Altea and anywhere in the world, it is an unexpected situation, which generates intense emotions and doubts about how to act. In this article, as a psychologist in Altea specialising in family support and affective-sexual diversity, I would like to offer you a practical guide, based on respect and understanding, to deal with this moment in the best possible way.
Understanding the moment: what does it mean for your child to trust you?
When your son or daughter decides to share with you that he or she is gay, he or she does so trusting that he or she will be heard and understood. It is not an easy step: in many cases, the young person has gone through months – even years – of reflection, fears and doubts before taking this step. Acknowledging the courage and trust they have placed in you is essential.
Coming out is an act of courage and vulnerability. For many young people, the family is the first and most important emotional refuge. Therefore, your reaction will make a significant difference in how they will deal with their identity in the future. Remember: the main goal is for your child to feel that you are there for them, regardless of their sexual orientation.
What to avoid when you receive the news
The first reaction is crucial. It is natural to feel surprised, confused or not knowing what to say. However, there are certain attitudes and phrases that are important to avoid:
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Rejection or anger: negative comments, criticism or anger can create a deep emotional wound.
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Dramatising the situation: avoid alarmist attitudes or phrases such as “Why is this happening to us?
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Denial or questioning: phrases such as ‘Are you sure?’ or ‘It’s just a phase’ can invalidate your child’s feelings.
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Blaming: looking for reasons in upbringing, friendships or experiences, looking for a cause, can make your child feel guilty.
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Pressure to hide it: asking them not to tell anyone or to keep it a secret can increase their anxiety and feelings of loneliness.
Remember: although your doubts or fears are understandable, your child has taken a very important step by confiding in you. Avoiding these negative attitudes will facilitate healthier communication and a better adjustment for everyone.
How to react in a positive and healthy way
There are no perfect manuals, but there are certain guidelines you can follow to show support and acceptance from the very beginning:
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Listen carefully: allow your child to express himself or herself, without interrupting or judging. Ask how he or she is feeling and what he or she expects from you at this time.
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Show unconditional love: phrases such as ‘I love you as much as ever’ or ‘Thank you for trusting me’ are very powerful.
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Validate his or her emotions: recognise that this step is also complicated for him or her. Validating their fears and feelings helps them feel understood.
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Ask if they need help: everyone goes through the process differently; asking how you can support them is a sign of respect and affection.
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Keep calm: if you need time to process the news, be assertive but not dismissive.
If at any point you feel unsure about how to act, seeking professional help can be a very beneficial option for both you and your child. At the psychology clinic in Altea we work with families and adolescents in processes of sexual orientation, encouraging communication and mutual understanding.
Acceptance and accompaniment: the long term path
The initial reaction is important, but acceptance is a process that can take time. Accompanying your child in their personal growth involves accepting their orientation and being present for the challenges they may encounter:
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Support in the face of discrimination: the school or social environment may not always be supportive. Listen if your child tells you about negative experiences and help them deal with them.
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Encourage dialogue: keep the lines of communication open, taking an interest in how they feel and whether they need to talk.
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Be informed and educated: seek accurate and up-to-date information on affective-sexual diversity. There are valuable associations and resources, such as FELGTBI+, the State LGTBI+ Federation.
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Respect their process: each person decides when, how and to whom to disclose their orientation. Avoid pressuring them to tell if they do not yet feel ready.
Accompanying, listening and respecting are the basis for your child to feel safe and supported in their family environment. Family acceptance is the greatest protective factor against possible emotional difficulties.
When should you seek help from a psychologist?
Sometimes, despite the best will, difficulties can arise:
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Family or couple conflicts due to differences of opinion.
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Feelings of guilt, fear or anxiety in both parents and children.
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Problems of self-esteem or social rejection in the adolescent.
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Persistent doubts about how to handle the situation.
In these cases, the intervention of a family psychologist in Altea can provide tools to improve communication, resolve conflicts and encourage mutual acceptance. It is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of maturity and responsibility to seek help when the situation requires it.
Useful resources for parents and families
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Recommended books: ‘They have always spoken for us’ (Carmen G. de la Cueva), ‘Understanding homosexuality’ (Robert López).
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Associations: FELGTBI+, Chrysallis, COGAM.
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Online guides: Many associations publish free guides for parents of LGTBI adolescents.
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Support telephone numbers: 024 (Suicide helpline), 116111 (Childhood and Adolescence telephone number).
For more information on sexual orientation, adolescence and family support, you can also read our article on self-esteem in adolescents, where we discuss how to strengthen the family bond at key stages of development.
Frequently asked questions about coming out to teenagers
Is it normal to feel confused at first?
Yes, many families need time to understand and adjust. The important thing is to seek information and, if you feel it is necessary, professional support.
Should I tell other family members?
It is important to respect your child’s pace and decision. Don’t share it without their permission.
Can it change in the future?
Sexual orientation is not a choice or a phase. Trust what your child tells you and support them in their process.
Where can I find out more?
There are many associations and online resources where you can find up-to-date information and specific support for parents.
Love and trust are key
Accepting and accompanying a child who tells you about their homosexuality can be a challenge, but above all it is an opportunity to strengthen the family bond. Remember that unconditional support and open dialogue are the best gifts you can offer. If at any time you need guidance, at Psychologist Altea we are here to help you and your family to live this process with understanding and empathy.
Do you have any doubts or do you need professional support?
Do not hesitate to contact me for a personalised consultation.